When I started this blog in 2005, I had a few goals. I don’t
know whether I was fully aware of all of them at the time, but in retrospect, I
think my goals were:
1. To write for an audience on a regular basis
2. To share my deepest feelings, in the hopes that writing
about them might bring me clarity, and others comfort
3. To share my opinions on current events, feminism, and pop
culture
4. To build an audience for my work
5. To brag about being a volunteer
6. To passive-aggressively let people know what I was really
thinking, without having to own it in person
7. To get attention, feel popular, and feel less alone
I was mostly successful in achieving these goals.
1. The exercise of writing something on a near-daily basis
that would be published immediately was very instructive. It showed me that you
don’t have to be inspired to write (though that certainly helps); that
sometimes just muscling through and forcing yourself to produce something
actually works. There were many nights that I sat at my desk for hours, going
back and forth between the control panel for my blog and a game of online su
doku, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to say that day; I
remember the frustration of those nights, but I can also see the results –
pieces that I wouldn’t have written if I didn’t force myself. For people who
are trying to develop better work habits, I recommend the exercise of blogging.
But my work habits are pretty well set. They could always get better, but I
don’t think that blogging regularly is something I need to do for exercise
anymore. I still write on a near-daily basis. I just don’t publish the results.
2. I still have the urge to write about my feelings in the
hopes of achieving clarity and giving comfort. This is my biggest struggle in
the whole “to blog or not to blog” internal debate. I’ve been writing
autobiographically for years; I’ve based a career on it; I teach classes in it.
I believe strongly in the value of memoir, for both the writer and the reader.
I still write about my feelings almost every day; it keeps me as sane as I can
currently claim to be, which is saner than I have ever been in my life. But
sharing that writing? That’s different. It’s not that I don’t want to share it
– trust me, every time something significant happens in my life, especially if
it’s something difficult or unpleasant, it’s hard not to blab about it
publicly, whether here or on Facebook. But I’ve learned a lot – we’ve all
learned a lot, as a society – about the problems and penalties that come with
discussing personal information online. I am gun-shy about invading my own
privacy to the extent that I used to; I am even more gun-shy about invading the
privacy of those close to me.
I’m currently working on a number of different projects –
some based in fact, others more fictional. I’m hoping that the feelings
expressed and described in these works will bring other people comfort, if and
when these works are finished and published. In the meantime, I miss the
catharsis of blogging in the heat of the moment; I miss hearing the immediate
feedback from people who responded with candor and support. It’s just not
advisable to be as honest and open online as I once was. I’ll have to save it
for the books.
3. Nobody really needs to hear my opinion on current events,
feminism, or pop culture, especially when other writers are able to respond
faster and with greater depth. I burned out on writing about current events and
feminism after ten years of writing for BUST, and if you want to know what kind
of pop culture I’m currently enjoying, I invite you to watch the Bilge show.
(Warning: Bilge show is not safe for work, or for life, or for maintaining your
current number of brain cells. Neither is most of the pop culture I enjoy.)
4. I have built an audience for my work. And while blogging
might help to grow that audience, and deepen our daily connection, I’m not
going to be one of those people who blogs in order to “build their brand.”
That, to me, is a cynical misuse of readers’ time and attention. Blog because
you want to write, because you feel you need to communicate, but not because
you want eyeballs – that’s insincere.
5. Hey, I don’t know if you guys were aware of this, but
over the past four or five years, I have volunteered my time to various
non-profit organizations. These organizations include the shelter where I
stayed for two months as a teenager, the presidential-award-winning writing
program Girls Write Now, and GEMS, which helps young women who have been
victims of commercial sexual exploitation. Sometimes volunteering has been
personally rewarding to me; other times, it has been a giant fucking pain in
the ass and I’ve done it anyway. I can haz halo?
6. Ugh. It’s been a number of years since I used my blog to
take passive-aggressive shots at conveniently unnamed people (“Oh, I wasn’t
talking about you…”), but I can still
work up a healthy cringe recalling those times. When I used my Twitter account
one day this summer to swipe anonymously at two women I know, I realized it was
time to quit Twitter. I am not proud of having used my blog to be hurtful to
other people, even if those other people were American Idol contestants, or
otherwise totally asking for it. Oh, I’m not talking about you…
7. I have attention. I feel popular. I feel less alone. And
anytime I don’t, there’s Facebook. I might just go check it right now. Ahhh,
comments on my most recent status update!
So there, for the one millionth time, is a blog post about
why I don’t blog much anymore. Was
goal number eight to be endlessly redundant? If so, then CHECK. And now, it’s
time get down to writing…
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